And the World Changed

And just like that, the world changed.
My world, your world, our collective World. Changed.

And like many others, I didn’t respond well at first. Maybe it’s because I'm a Mom. Maybe it’s because I’m a nervous person by nature. I know it’s partly because I am an empath who relates to others’ suffering. But maybe it’s mostly because I have allowed my brain to get really good at catastrophi-sing.

When there's a pandemic, you start thinking more about germs.

I’ve tried to validate this by calling it a strength. I justified it with self-delusional “facts” like: “Stephen King does it! He allows CRAYYYYZYYY dark thoughts into his head and writes fantastical stories about all KINDS of bad things. So, why shouldn’t I?” Or, “Well, I’m one of those creative, theatrical types. That’s what we do.” But the reality is that muscle can get wayyy too strong and builds deep grooves and I’ve learned it’s true what they say: Your quality of Life is influenced by the thoughts you let enter your brain.

Only four weeks ago, I was living in a much different place. Yes, I was fighting those “brain weasels,” as my dear friend, Karen, likes to call them. But at least I had started implementing tools and strategies to calm them down: meditation, affirmations, an anxiety management app on my phone — all those things that are so easy to get, and just as easily covered in dust.

As another wise person suggested, you can’t learn to play piano only from reading books about the piano; you actually need to practice the instrument.

Well, I was practicing negative thinking for so long, I got really good at it!

Then along comes the Coronavirus.

Nothing like anything most people have ever seen before. Nothing like other catastrophes I’ve lived through. Nine-11 affected everyone because we watched it happen over and over again on the TV for three days following the attack — and that that alone traumatized many of us. We heard about the deaths and saw terrible photographs, but that wasn’t the same.

There's a fine balance between precaution and paranoia.

This virus has even longer arms than that. And according to experts and their data, this could get worse. (I’m writing this on Friday, 3/20/2020, only one week after we all started seeing college closings and travel restrictions and the stockpiling of all the wrong supplies began.)

So, suddenly, me and my anxiety management tools were being tested. And at first, I failed. I felt panic and fear and overwhelmed by the lack of control and realized it, and knew I wasn’t able to make good decisions in that mode. I also knew I was making it hard on people around me. That’s when the switch flipped. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sustain like that. Especially since it looks like we might be facing this challenge for the long haul.

Stress causes many negative things. In addition to lowering our ability to function productively (either mentally or physically), it also lowers our ability to fight infection. So I understood that I wasn’t doing anybody any favors if I didn’t get a hold of this quick. I was relying on friends to “talk me down” and putting additional strain on my teenager, which I knew was also not good modeling.

Yes, yes - I know all of this in some ways is understandable. We had just learned about this big scary thing coming our way that was also being hyped up by the media. And in an effort to combat anxiety, I stopped watching the news 2 years ago. So that’s also a harsh buzz kill when you turn it on again. And to turn it on and see this???

But here’s the good news. After surrendering more to the fact that I am not in control, and that we only have control over our own behavior and our responses, I’m choosing better thoughts.

Yes, I’m still concerned that it could take the life of someone I love. And no, I don’t want to get super uncomfortably sick. But I also want to maintain some level of calm.

This scare caused me to finally start using the tools I had become good at gathering.

I have been self-isolating for a week. I haven’t been drinking much alcohol (only a whiskey on St. Paddy’s Day and a beer another time — much less than before when I socialized most weekends), mainly because l want to keep my immune system strong, and I don’t want to give an edge to my already depression-prone brain.

And I’ve been practicing my metaphorical piano. I’m doing exercises that ask you to just “notice” feelings of discomfort — not to change them, but allow them to be. And almost magically, this softens the tension by just witnessing them.

So, in short, my new journey has just begun, and I can’t let my tools just sit anymore.

This thing may not be over soon, but I already feel changed for the better.

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